Who is this person that used to be my husband?

You’ve lived with someone for years.  Listened to them extolling their values – in particular their great family values.  Hear them describe themselves as honest and trustworthy and ethical on numerous occasions.  You completely believe it.  They may have other faults, as do you, but one thing you know for sure is that they would never do anything to betray you or hurt your family unit. 

One day you notice a slight shift.  The ethics that have been held aloft like a pennant for so long are suddenly being run down the flag pole, and stowed away.  It starts gradually.  Rules that used to be strictly adhered to suddenly are seen as less ‘rigid’, some are now completely broken.

Strange little things occur.  For years you’ve lived with someone who is e.g. disgusted by prawns and shellfish – you sit down at a family gathering and for no apparent reason suddenly they are eating them with gusto.  That is a strange example isn’t it?  believe me it happens! 

Suddenly you can apparently do nothing right.  You are committing terrible crimes like not going to bed at the exact moment your partner does, or not being productive enough every second of every day, or not looking as if you are about to star in a fashion shoot – when in fact you are about to mop the floors or clean the toilet!  You are having a conversation, your partner makes a point, you agree with them and  they bight your head off as if you had attacked what they were saying. 

The person that used to praise you at every opportunity to anyone that would listen then informs you that they’ve never loved you, you make them feel empty, if it wasn’t for you (and those damn inconvenient kids) they would be so much happier. Basically you are now expected to disappear off the face of the earth.

It seems so unrealistic and yet, if you talk to people who have gone through divorce, no matter where they are in the world, you will find that similar scenarios are played out all over the world.

It’s so confusing, it’s no exaggeration to say that being confronted with this sudden change in behaviour in someone you thought you knew, actually does make you question your own sanity.  You doubt your ability to get anything right, how can you live with someone for years, have a family, go through so much and still not have a clue who that person is.

How could you not hear that time bomb ticking inside them?

In fact when time has passed and the emotional mists have cleared, you will realise that  there was a relentless ticking in your life.  So many warning signs going back to the very beginning of your relationship.  At the time however, you were naive, you didn’t know that such behaviours were so common, basically you never needed to  know.  It seems to be something like child-birth, people don’t allow themselves to really go there until they have to i.e. when contractions are coming fast and furious!

This in no way implies that all was perfect prior to this shift.  However, you were still under the impression that your relationship and  family unit  mattered to both of you.  Mattered enough to be put ahead of any phase of unhappiness.  Such phases are inevitable in life particularly when people are working hard to raise kids and make a living and very little  support is available. You believe it mattered enough so that if one of you felt things were going wrong that the first thing to do would be to be honest with each other, and come up with a plan to try to fix things together.  Sadly, that is not always the way it goes.

Society seems so flippant about relationship and family break up now.  Lets face it,if you are the type of person that can emotionally detach, life is so much ‘easier’ without having a family draining your energy.  Easier to revert to those carefree days when you just came and went as you pleased.  Hey easier again if you already have a new partner lined up.  Yes, 95% of the time at least you can assume there is already another woman on the scene.  If you’re going to work being told what a ‘quality guy’ you are by miss 30+  desperate and dateless, who has nothing better to do than fix her hair and make up and go for a run after work, isn’t that going to seem so much more appealing to going home and being asked to help with readers, fix the pool pump etc.  Of course it is.  The trick is though that while it may seem easier, people who are not at their core selfish will not go down that path. 

A lot is written about mid-life crisis and I believe that we all go through them.  However, I don’t believe it changes the essence of  who we are.  We may get a little crazy and reckless, suddenly buy that flash car or start to dress like an extra from ‘desperately Seeking Susan’ having neatly disregarded that the 80’s are long gone, but we don’t lose our ability to differentiate between right and wrong.  We don’t suddenly become selfish if we haven’t been in  the past.  We may think those thoughts about running away and being responsibility free again, but we don’t act on them.  Unless we were always that way inclined.  Mid life brings out the best in us and the worst in us, but it doesn’t bring out anything that wasn’t  already there.

Here is a great article on the same theme

http://www.runawayhusbands.com/learning_place.html

The purpose of this is basically to demonstrate that this is a common occurence.  It really does mess with you head, don’t underestimate the extent to which it will.  However, you do get over it.

Once I’ve finished talking about the events that may have changed our lives I’m going to concentrate on the road to recovery.

If you would like to add anything please feel free to comment at the end of the post, I’d really appreciate feedback. 

xxx

Article: Ex Partner Rewriting the marriage history

I read this article on the 2-in-2-1 forum.  Very resonant for me at the time.  It had previously appeared in a wordpress blog  http://beerlove.wordpress.com/what-i…y-for-divorce/, this doesn’t appear to be available anymore so I’m not sure of the original source.

It may seem that most divorces are similar in nature. Actually, there are different types of divorces, each of them with their own unique psychological characteristics and emotional intensity.
The Mutual Agreement pattern of divorce occurs when both mates are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. This couple often settles their affairs amicably and quickly, and may stay friends.
The Unilateral pattern of divorce entails one person deciding to leave to the dismay of the other. There are greater emotional implications in this type of split, where the person who chooses to leave has had time to consider, reflect, weigh the options and emotionally detach, while the “left mate” is caught unprepared, treated unfairly, surprised and abandoned. Requests for more time, counseling or opportunity to change the situation are denied. The process of this
divorce is harder and more emotional due to the imbalance of power.
The emotional intensity is even greater in a Compounded divorce pattern, where there is involvement of a third party. In this situation, the partner not only feels abandoned, he or she feels replaced. The pain here is about having lost a primary position in the mate’s life to another individual. There are added painful emotions about immorality, betrayal, and failure.
Within each of these divorce patterns there are additional subsets. The following subsets are associated with the Compounded divorce pattern.
In the Compounded pattern, a spouse meets another person who is adoring and makes them feel very valued and desired. At first, they lavish in the attention and feel invigorated. With time, the spouse begins to COMPARE his/her feelings about the new admirer to those he/she has for their spouse. If they decide to break up their family and start a new life (or they are asked to explain their affair), the adulterous spouse is likely to go through the following psychological stages:
1. DEMONIZING THE MATE: The offending spouse is a decent person who is aware that their conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. They begin to feel great guilt, yet, continue the relationship with the other person. In order to reconcile the conflict between their view of themselves as a moral being and their unacceptable conduct, the offending spouse resorts to demonizing their mate as a justification for the affair. They ascribe to their mate many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. Suddenly, their mate is an inept person, companion, lover, parent, and they may even be labeled “evil” or “crazy.”
2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, the offending spouse claims that he/she has been so for the duration of the marriage. The offending spouse re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he/she has endured. They may say, “I have been unhappy in the marriage for 20 years” or, “She made every day of our married life a miserable day.” It is clear that this is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The offending spouse assumes no personal responsibility for their role in the so-called “long-term suffering.” They seeks approval and support from others for having been a victim, which in their mind fully justifies their affair and subsequent abandonment of their family.
3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The offending spouse retells his/her newly developed view of suffering often enough that he/she begins to believe that his/her mate DESERVES to be punished. The offended spouse becomes the “offender” and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. The offending spouse believes that their mate is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him/her, sometimes not even those allowed by the law. In many cases, the offending spouse may even attempt to deprive the spouse of equal, fair or appropriate access to the children or to child support. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.
4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all of the offending spouses vengeance, he/she still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough, even his mate. He/She wants the mate to ACCEPT that he/she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he/she had no other choice but to act as he/she did. Sadly, this view may be imparted upon the children, who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt that the offending spouse experiences continues to plague him/her.
5. RESTORING BALANCE: The offending spouse expects their left mate to accept their new life and even be happy for them. They want their left mate to take the full blame for their need to escape the so-called intolerable marriage. Therefore, the left mate should also accept the “new reality” and make peace with the OW or OM. Since the left mate does not share the offending spouse’s reconstructed view of their history, he/she is often unwilling to embrace the offending spouse’s new life. With time, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other, often for the sake of their children.
In summary, in the Compounded style of divorce, which involves a third party, the following happens:
*A spouse becomes involved with a third party and is subsequently beleaguered by guilt.
*To justify his or her socially and morally unacceptable conduct, he/she first demonizes the mate, rewrites the history of their union in negative terms and then depicts himself as a victim and the mate as a persecutor.
*This partner then moves to punishing the spouse for the alleged unforgivable acts. He/She then seeks approval from others and even his partner for being “forced” to exit the marriage.
*The divorcing couple eventually try to restore balance, whereby a normalized or civil relationship is created. This may or may not be fully achieved.
If you have been a participant in this divorce pattern, or know someone who has been, you are fully aware of the emotional turmoil involved.
The left mate experiences a HELLISH NIGHTMARE. They are likely to go through the following stages, which are often reported in the form of sequential questions:
*The demonizing process produces feelings of pure shock.
“How can my partner betray me in the worst possible way? Not only did he have an affair, but he compounded the betrayal by accusing me of causing it.”
“Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also restorted to DEFAMING my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years?”
“How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by depicting their mother in the worst possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?”
*The rewriting of history is a major violation of the mate’s reality.
“How could he have been miserable for 10 years without my awareness? Or worse, how could all of the joy I recall be a figment of my imagination?”
“If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help FOR HIMSELF?”
*Being punished for creating a partner’s misery is a mind-boggling state.
“He started an affair, lied, deceived, violated trust and his commitment, started fights to escape from home and ultimately decided to leave our family, and I need to be punished?”
“Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed.”
“To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marrige failure and give him empathy for “his suffering”?”
“I am also left with the task of preserving his dignity in the children’s eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion, and pain. But, as long as the children are in pain, I am accused of turning them against him!”
“If all of this isn’t enough emotional torture, he now thinks I should accept this other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold.”
“Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman whose only interest was not that of our family unit, but of her own needs?”
The people who have gone through this trauma describe it as “crazy-making.” Such severe distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.
What can a left partner do under these circumstances?
*Realize that all of these five phases serve the leaving partner and have little to do with you.
*Understand that this is your partner’s tragic way of dealing with their guilt. Their perceptions are the reconstructed ones.
*Your partner’s lack of any cupability is a clear sign of misdirected adaptation.
*Talk with people who can affirm your view of the marital history, interactions, and your worthy personality.
*Reassure yourself that you are sane and that the reality you are being fed is created for your partner’s self-exoneration.
*Surround yourself with people who love and affirm you.
*Remember that every parent earns his or her separate relationship with the children. Your youngsters will eventually process these events appropriately

Narcissistic Sociopathic Disorder

Many articles will ring true as you search for information trying to understand who the person that used to be your partner actually is.   How can someone who lived with you for years, perhaps the other parent of your children, suddenly just not seem to give a damn, in some cases seem to go out of their way to cause as much hurt and pain as possible e.g. lieing when telling the truth would save so much long term confusion and pain.  Some people may read the attached and find themselves having an aha moment.

 http://sociopathicrelationship.com/